sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
