i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
