youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
