so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
