it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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