if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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