I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
