My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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