No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
