I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
