did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Do vagina's smell?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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