I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I woke up under a house in Key West
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
