At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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