Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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