lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
