I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize