Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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