conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
