I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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