I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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