I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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