i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
