I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
