I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
