Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
