Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
4 words: hood of his car
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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