There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
