The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
