ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm like, not good at living.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
