Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
