If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize