new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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