her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I wish there were birth control emojis
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
