she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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