seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
