I'm so fucking centered right now
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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