Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
