Cold hands, warm shart.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
