Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
