I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
