I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
