hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
