My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
