I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
