I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
