We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize