Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize