Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
