I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You are the jesus of drinking
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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