You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
