In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
