Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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