at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
