My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
