There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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