At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
