Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
