tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
