As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
