Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize