using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
